I Do What I Want

“I do what I want”

This is just meaningless rhetoric that I say frequently. If someone gives me a weird look when I do something silly or I eat cereal for dinner three days in a row or something like that. I just say, “I do what I want.”

But as I was driving home from New Hampshire earlier today I began to wonder, maybe it’s not as meaningless as I think it is. Maybe in this search of self meaning, I have found something that is actually a defining characteristic of mine.

Not everyone out there does what they want. Not everyone out there would turn down an office job that pays 45k a year because they know they will not be happy doing it. Not everyone out there would decide to take a temporary job in Mexico instead where they will only make 1k for the one month they will be employed. Not everyone would choose a retail job because of the flexibility.

I cannot settle for something I do not want. I probably would not even settle for something if I thought there would be a chance that I did not like it.

I think I am just like my dad in this sense, although he would not admit to it. As much as he tells me that I need to make money and I need to jump at any opportunity, he would not. He got laid off in August and I have heard the opportunities he has had and I have seen him unable to settle. And he shouldn’t.

He was unhappy in his last job and at 50+ years old, you need to be happy. I cannot even imagine that it is possible to be happy doing the same thing for almost 30 years. At this point in my life I cannot imagine being happy in the same place for five years.

Does this fear of commitment transfer over to relationships?

My biggest fear is getting in a relationship that does not last. Being with someone for over a year and then deciding that what once made you happy doesn’t anymore. That is reality.  And it scares me.

 I might get screwed over for this kind of thinking in the end. But in the end I will be dead. And I might as well die happy.

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